Just some random musings I guess. I've been doing ok, but I haven't been doing that much of anything. My output has suffered slightly as this last week or two and it upsets me. Mainly because I have no idea when the main comic will ever come back at this rate. I've been trying to wrestle with ways to reach more people but I never seem to have the time or willpower to sit down and work really hard at it because my morale is just crushed completely by other things.

For a while I thought that it might just be best to hunker down and work on grinding out so much MHFAP! commissions, OCs and Comms while pointing to the main comic and asserting to new fans that because of the state of the world I can't focus on anything that doesn't bring me money, so if they want the comic to continue I need more pledged to the Patreon. But doing it that way feels like I am keeping my dreams held hostage and needless to say that feels awful.

I need assistant help real bad and find anyone at the speed, dedication and price I need. I have someone helping with colors sometimes right now but no one I feel confident in helping with the OC sheets. Lineart and cellshading primarily with a focus on getting it done the same day I send it so we can keep pushing out more and more new chars and create a steady stream of money.

Most of all I just hate this. I hate having to grind commissions over and over and over and over again. I'm not built for this. I have shit I want to draw, I have things I want to accomplish. Going to my friends repeatedly asking for help and saying I'll do an assload of things my heart isn't into is the worst feeling in the world. If I had more dedicated help via assistants this would at least be more tolerable since I could oversee the lineart and coloring ala an art director- and then my pressure towards building an audience would lessen too since my output would increase and I'd have a lot more content to show off and acquire new fans- but I digress.

Before I end this little vent I want to say that I'm extremely grateful for the people who do buy comms and stuff from me. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. When I say I hate comms I mean that I hate that they are my norm and not a thing I can do when I feel like it. I don't want to be the kind of artist that people support solely cause they can get things from him. I want to be the kind that draws people towards him and they support solely on the scale of his visions and long-term content goals just to see the insane kind of shit that he has planned and that he wants to make. I get that's naive, and maybe very selfish sounding, but it's not like I can stop myself from feeling that way. Life's been like a downward spiral for 3 years now and the sad thing is I was really confident about this new year when it started lol. I thought things were finally lining up but nope, boom, worst year ever so far. But at least I'm not dead from virus so, whatever. I have a set of big comms coming up where I get to draw my main girls at least, so that's something to look forward to.